Ran outdoors for the first time in months today. Even though I’m more fit from months of simulated outdoor running on a treadmill, it’s just not the same. Running on a treadmill or track…. hours of sweat and pain while literally going nowhere.
That’s the best way I can describe my life lately. My existence is all too similar to running on this giant treadmill that is life; I’m just going through the motions so I don’t trip and fall flat on my face. But… I feel like I’m going nowhere. All this pain, all these trials, all this emptiness…they just repeat, a nonstop-looping cycle not unlike like the treadmill belt. People tell me that it’s going to be worth it all, that God’s doing something so great in my life, that there’s a reason for all this.
What if there’s not? What if there’s no point and no purpose? I have soooo much materially yet nothing of worth at the same time. I have so many people in my life that mean something I can’t quite put my finger on yet and absolutely nothing at the same time. I think a quote from my favorite book of all time, a book I used to regard as the Bible White Oleander, can more beautifully express what I always feel yet forget to remember.
“ Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”
As I continue to transition into this so-called “real world,” all I see is reminders of that. Work. Hah. Those are the people you can trust the LEAST and depend on the least. Family. The only people that genuinely care about you…yet mine is like real life, living drama/television series. Friends. You have no friends. can’t remember which movie that’s from but it’s oh so poignant and true.
So in essence, that’s my life. This tunnel I’ve journeying through, desperately hoping to see that glimmer of light….yeah. I give up. There is no light sometimes. Just darkness. And that’s just life.