Ran outdoors for the first time in months today. Even though I’m more fit from months of simulated outdoor running on a treadmill, it’s just not the same. Running on a treadmill or track…. hours of sweat and pain while literally going nowhere.

That’s the best way I can describe my life lately. My existence is all too similar to running on this giant treadmill that is life; I’m just going through the motions so I don’t trip and fall flat on my face. But… I feel like I’m going nowhere. All this pain, all these trials, all this emptiness…they just repeat, a nonstop-looping cycle not unlike like the treadmill belt. People tell me that it’s going to be worth it all, that God’s doing something so great in my life, that there’s a reason for all this.

What if there’s not? What if there’s no point and no purpose? I have soooo much materially yet nothing of worth at the same time. I have so many people in my life that mean something I can’t quite put my finger on yet and absolutely nothing at the same time. I think a quote from my favorite book of all time, a book I used to regard as the Bible White Oleander, can more beautifully express what I always feel yet forget to remember.

“
Loneliness is the human condition. Cultivate it. The way it tunnels into you allows your soul room to grow. Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you’ll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.”

As I continue to transition into this so-called “real world,” all I see is reminders of that. Work. Hah. Those are the people you can trust the LEAST and depend on the least. Family. The only people that genuinely care about you…yet mine is like real life, living drama/television series. Friends. You have no friends. can’t remember which movie that’s from but it’s oh so poignant and true.

So in essence, that’s my life. This tunnel I’ve journeying through, desperately hoping to see that glimmer of light….yeah. I give up. There is no light sometimes. Just darkness. And that’s just life.

Lana Del Rey. One of my guilty pleasures. Why am I so embarrassed to admit I like her music? Much less that she’s actually one of my favorite musical acts right now?

Her music’s not bad, despite some silly lyrics here and there; she actually has an AMAZING voice. But she’s been bashed left and right for being the most contrived, pseudo-indie act that is quite literally fake, from her lips to her whole 60s Hollywood persona. IIIII think she’s a genius. Absolutely brilliant. Just a few years ago she was a nobody. Still had a great voice but bland. Boring. Now? The face of H&M.

Life is all about selling yourself. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned through this painful, painful season is that most people only care about how you can enhance their lives. Regardless of professionally or personally, it really is all about selling: how much money you can make for a company, how much fun you are to be around as a friend, how attractive you are. It’s all about taking your weaknesses and running with them in the opposite direction. Recreating yourself so your most unattractive qualities become mere skeletons in your secret heart of hearts.

Friendship is a gamble. It takes so much effort, time, love, intention, etc yet it’s all fleeting. Some people come into your life and leave with bigger chunks of it, some friendships never develop beyond a shallow convenience, and some are nothing more than a passing moment where your lives intersect simply from being alive.

I refuse to say the L-word to anyone because it’s just a meaningless word, especially when strung between “I” and “you.” It’s cheap, easy, yet somehow creates this sorry sentimental facade of a deeper relationship than what actually exists in reality. Talk is cheap and actual effort is costly.

There have been periods of life where I’ve given up and refused to put ANY effort into any friendships; the results of which aren’t entirely different from times I’ve really nurtured and pursued my relationships. People come and go regardless of how much you try. People always have different intentions, expectations, perceptions. C’est la vie.

The most annoying thing about life and living? How it’s impossible to live without people yet it is so hard to meet people on the same page as you. And when you finally do, you are forced to play your hand and gamble.

ofheightsandhollows:

Writers are forgetful,
but they remember everything.
They forget appointments and anniversaries,
but remember what you wore,
how you smelled,
on your first date…
They remember every story you’ve ever told them -
like ever,
but forget what you’ve just said.
They don’t remember to water the plants
or take out the trash,
but they don’t forget how
to make you laugh.

Writers are forgetful
because
they’re busy
remembering
the important things.

(via iamheretobugyou)